My Words Came Back to Haunt ME!

OK. My life the last 3years has been basically filled with this little thing I like to call nursing school. It was hard and there were times I wanted to throw myself out the window. (Maybe that's why we never had windows in any of our class rooms.) But, I graduated. Yep, got my BS in Nursing. (haha...BS.)

As a graduate in the science of nursing, I can't practice without a license and so they invented this small test they call the NCLEX. (Insert dramatic scary music here) The entire 3years of studying, practicing and occasionally freaking out, rested on the fact that I pass this test. (Absolutely no pressure) Not to mention the fact that I have a job waiting for me when or if I pass this horrible test.

I even enrolled in a class to learn how to pass this test. The NCLEX is a random computerized test that gives you questions that it considers are easy to difficult. It will give you easy questions then if you get it right you get a harder one. If you get the question wrong the computer gives you an easy question. Then, after the computer decides that you will either pass or fail the test with a 95% assurance the computer terminates the test. But, the computer doesn't tell you if you passed or failed...IT JUST ENDS! That basically boils down to you can get the minimum of 75 questions OR the maximum of 265 questions (or any freakingly random number in between!).

I went into the test feeling I had done everything I possibly could to prepare for it. I was thinking positively and trying to keep my anxiety down to a minimum. I finished the test with 75 questions and felt like I knew most of what they were asking me. I felt like I had passed.

I took the test with 3 other students from my class and we all finished about the same time. I was confident I passed and was on the way to become a legal Registered Nurse (RN).

The next day my friend looked on the Oregon State Board of Nursing (OSBN) and her name came up with a RN license number. I put my name in and it came up as 'not found.' I put the names of everyone else who took the test at the same time and their name came up with a license number. Mine was not found...I concluded that I must have failed the test.

I was in shock. I was emotionally numb. The fun weekend celebrating with friends...cancelled. I had nothing to celebrate. I drove from Portland to the La Grande mountains to my dad's cabin, laid down on the cot, stared at the Coleman lamp, called my mom, told her I failed, and had a nervous breakdown. What was I going to do?

I tried to sleep. I'd start to sleep and I would startle myself awake unable to breath. Yeah, this was anxiety to the 10th degree. My mind played over all the questions I had on test and decided that I must have missed every single one. I was embarrassed, depressed and dumbfounded. Then, the weekend came and I went to the testing website to schedule another test, but it wouldn't let me. Then, I saw they had the results of my test in and the testing site said I had...PASSED!?

What the FREAK! I passed? If I passed how come I didn't have a license number? Was this some mean joke? What is going on? On Monday I called the OSBN and they told me that I had passed, but that my transcripts hadn't been sent to them. What the heck? All this misery I put myself through was the result of a paper glitch? Oh, I didn't really care anymore I knew that I passed.

Now, what does this have about my words haunting me? Well, let me tell you. After the NCLEX test, I was talking with a group of my classmates feeling pretty confident about passing the test, when one of the girls said that she had found out that morning that her uncle had committed suicide. She mentioned that she had to put that in the back of her mind until this was all over. That's when I said, "Well, I guess there are worse things than not passing the NCLEX, even though it probably won't feel like it." We all agreed and became philosophical and then continued to talk about the horrible test. That week end...I kept thinking about how IRONIC it was I had said that...ME, the one who didn't pass the test. How little did I know I was going to put those words to a very real and horrifyingly depressing weekend long test.

It was good that by Sunday night I had decided that, 'I'll just work harder and pass the next time,' and that I would survive even though I didn't really feel like I would. Even, though the weekend was horrible I found support from my family and friends that showed me how blessed I am. I had people I could confide in, complain to, and even cry on.